I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
