??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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