The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
