I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
