I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
