so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
