I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
