you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
