I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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