I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
