rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Randomize
