i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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