If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I would fuck him just for his dog
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
