Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
