hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
