I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
