I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
