Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
