Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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