On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
