I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize