You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
