Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
