everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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