hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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