Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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