In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
