Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
