Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
