just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize