I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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