I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
