I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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