My liver just broke up with me...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
