What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
