if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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