They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
