I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
