can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I will be naked everywhere
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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