dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
