Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
