He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
