just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
