My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.