mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
