I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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