This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
