why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
