If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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