He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
