i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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