May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
