If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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