I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
