I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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