Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
