Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
