We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Randomize
