it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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