Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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