my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
