I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
