Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
