I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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