Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
